Blogging The Friendship Factor. Chapter 6, part 2

Chapter 6. Neglect this and watch your friends flee. Part 2

The Take-Charge Manipulator.

Dr. McGinnis talks about 3 types of manipulators, but this is the only one that is common among guys. (The others being the "poor-me" and the "needed-to-be-needed" manipulators.)

The Test (scroll down to see part 1):

a. Do we usually end up going to the restaurant or movie I prefer? (no)

b. Do I enjoy correcting factual errors in other people's conversation? (I am a teacher; that is a feature, not a bug.)

c. Do I use humor to put down my friends? (Does the needle count?)

d. Do I have to know more about a topic than others to feel comfortable discussing it? (I am a teacher; that is a feature, not a bug.)

OK, 'b' involves enjoying correcting errors and 'd' is an occupational hazzard of being "the sage on the stage."

The key to these being manipulation is using these to "get the upper hand" in a relationship.

“c. Do I use humor to put down my friends?” Does this refer to the “needle”? From Hugh Hewitt’s blog (no link, alas):

“The FMH and I are off to the beach this morning --the first such outing of the summer. As always, fellow runner Bill has warned that many may try to toll me back into the ocean. This is the defining characteristic of male friendship --the needle. Joseph Epstein is working on a book about friendship, and it should include a chapter on the needle. In fact, all the chapters should be about the needle. When the needle is withdrawn, the friendship is in decline.”

Is the needle godly? Hugh Hewitt is a Christian, but more of a main-line one. Does needling fall under the coarse-jesting, good-natured-buffoonery category of Ephesians 5:4?

Ephesians 5:4 (NASB95). “...And there must be no filthiness and silly talk (‘morologia’), or coarse jesting (‘eutrapelia,’ also means “ready wit”), which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.”

Women who can handle the needle tend to be accepted by male groups. While we have a number of female teachers in our department, at ‘my’ end of the building, there are 7 men and one woman. Different groups of us hang out together at the intersection of two halls at different times. And she can give and take the needle with the best of them.

I know that there is a difference between the needle and the sort of insult humor that men use on one another. Whether that difference holds up in the eyes of the Lord, I do not know.

“Strange as it may seem, the person who always has to look superior may be the least secure.”

“Always having to look superior”/arrogance/”haughty spirit” are rooted in fear (insecurity). Fear is rooted in unbelief. The more I base my life in faith, faith in Jesus and His word, the more secure I will be. The more secure that I am in Jesus, the less I will need to look superior. The more secure that I am in Jesus, the less I will need to manipulate others.

Romans 12:3 (NASB95). “For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.”