Blogging The Friendship Factor. Reflections

Reflections so far.

Whenever I have done a deep study of a book of the Bible, taken a long or short retreat, heard a good teaching or sermon, or gotten a good, hefty chunk of sound counsel I have found that it takes me a while to digest what I have taken in.

The changes that happen are often permanent. However, they are often below the surface; subterranean, as it were. Thus, they are not easily separated out from the rest of my life for comment on or discussion later.

We have spent three weeks discussing five chapters. We have done a lot of fairly open discussion and have done some fairly obvious avoidance of discussion as well. While most of us have been in the same church for years, I think that most of us are uncomfortable with intimacy in a large (12 or so) group. (See the link below about introverts. The problem is not that introverts do not talk about deep things, but rather the emotional cost of being deeply open to a large group of people at the same time. We cannot handle the social aspects. Too draining.)

However, spending a lot of time talking about the issues involved in male friendships has started, for me, a lot of ideas running in different directions and changes all happening at once.

One of the central “knots” in my life has involved a sense of inferiority (not to be confused with humility) to my fellow Christians, especially to my fellow male Christians. Some of this is related to my upbringing and being an introvert. Some of this is related to sins I walked in both before and after becoming a Christian (and the subsequent counseling, correction, and repentance). Some of it is related to the vision (and, therefore, the structure) of the church I have walked in for 25 years. Some of this is related to how we guys judge one another.

I am a teacher, but because of the structure of the church, I have had little outlet for walking out my gifts. In a church of about 100 adults, we have had only three people who regularly do any teaching. This is changing and I am getting more of an outlet. However, I have spent years knowing that my gifts are unnecessary. While I recognize that God has a purpose for all these things, it is tough to be in a church that praises the kinds of activities that I am not good at, while not having an outlet for the sort of things that I am. (And, yes, I do know that pride is involved.)

So, I have spent the time pursuing Jesus in the context of loving my family. And that is no waste.

However, there has been, as a result of all of this, a small “knot” of despair in my life. We men are action orientated, even someone like me. We like to do stuff. We judge our self-worth, and the worth of others, based on what we do and what we accomplish. (And do not try to tell me that the people in our church do not. I know better. Experientially.) Judging myself this way is something I have been repenting of for a long time, gradually wearing it away, as I focus more and more on the simplicity of devotion to Jesus.

But we men are the way we are.

Using the book discussion, the Lord has been putting His finger on this knot.

Romans 12:3: “For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.”

In true humility I can know my own worth, with sound judgment (by grace, through faith). The Lord has been showing me how to let down my guard (insecurity breeds guardedness). How to look at myself clearly. How to be more open and free with my brothers, generally. And not just the 3-4 “old-timers.”

Actually, this has been going on in a general sort of way for about a year. There are aspects of this issue that have come to the fore, though, because of the book, and its discussion.

The book discussion has made me more aware of how I interact with people. However, I have also noticed some changes that I have not consciously worked on.

For example, I find myself looking people in the eyes more. This has always been difficult for me, for whatever reason (including "all of the above"). Looking someone in the eyes is a way of affirming them. I need to do it, even if I am uncomfortable with it. Doing it is a laying down of myself for others. But I am doing it more.

I also suddenly find myself calling people by their first names. This may seem odd. Someone might say, “What would you call people by in place of that?“

One reason for not using first names is that I do not easily recall names, even those of people I have known for 20 years. It is apparently an in-born thing, and many people share this problem. I often hesitate before saying a name and that is socially inappropriate. I have developed a number of mechanisms to do get around that. But now I am simply doing it. And being surprised by it.

I also find myself praising others more. This is especially noticeable with my students. Of course, I see a lot more of them, in situations where they can be praised, that I do of my brothers in the Lord. But still, it is not something that I am doing consciously, I am just doing it.