Blogging The Friendship Factor. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: The Art of Self-disclosure

Or, in which, the good doctor discovers the fall of mankind and its effect on human nature.

Rule number two of deepening friendships is: Cultivate transparency. (Page 27)

Opening stories about the transparency of Betty Ford and Pope John XXIII and how loved they were.

“[Psychologist Sidney Jourard’s] major finding is that the human personality has a natural, built-in inclination to reveal itself. “

[snip]

‘[He] stumbled onto this concept when he puzzled over the frequency with which patients said to him: ‘you are the first person I have ever been completely honest with.” ‘

[snip]

“His conclusion was that habitual dissembling [lying] and withdrawal leads to disintegration of the personality, and that, on the other hand, honesty literally can be a health insurance policy, preventing both mental illness and certain kinds of physical sickness. “ (pages 28-9)

James 5:16. "Confess your sins one to another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed." (Dr. McGinnis then quotes this on page 35.) Sin makes us sick. Confession, both to God and to brothers and sisters (as appropriate) brings healing.

It is interesting that Dr. Jourard finds that humans are hard-wired for confession of sin. Though if he is a typical, secular psychologist, he does not believe in sin.

Masks.

“Why, then, do we so often hide behind masks?” (Page 29)

1) Our culture admires cool heroes and rugged individualists. James Bond given as an example. (Page 29)

2) Fear of rejection. (Page 29)

Rejection can take many forms: outright rejection, gossip (about things shared), indifference. What do we do with the fear of these things? What do we do when they happen?

“If we build more windows and fewer walls we have more friends.” (Page 30)

No comment necessary.

“James Joyce recognized that sometimes in the tiny moments of life light suddenly is shed on our whole existence. He would have called this man’s experience an epiphany.” (Page 33)

From the poemhunter.com, About James Joyce:

“By an epiphany he meant a sudden spiritual manifestation, whether in the vulgarity of speech or of gesture or in a memorable phase of the mind itself. He believed that it was for the man of letters to record these epiphanies with extreme care, seeing that they themselves are the most delicate and evanescent of moments.”

(James Joyce (1882-1941), Irish author. Stephen Hero, episode 25, New Directions (1944). The passage refers to Stephen Daedalus of Joyce's unfinished manuscript, Stephen Hero. Less than half the manuscript exists, and it was published only after Joyce's death.)

The context of the quote from the "Friendship Factor" was a conversation that a man had with his mother that opened up his eyes about her relationship with his father.

Learning something intimate about others can lead to illumination about ourselves. Dr. McGinnis then goes on to note, elsewhere in the chapter, that sharing something intimate about ourselves with others can be illuminating to us, as well.

“The brilliant Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung advised his patients to become acquainted with what he call the "shadow side" of themselves, or the "inferior part of the personality." Indeed, there is a hidden portion of our minds that is comprised of memories from past which terrify us and of which we are ashamed, plus the mean, selfish, and base nature which erupts occasionally and which we try to excuse and explain away in a thousand different ways.”

“We will be very reluctant to reveal this side of ourselves to another so long as it scares us. The natural assumption is that if we let others see this dark side, they too will hate us. But generally, they are able to be more lenient with us than we are with ourselves. And a curious kind of chemistry begins to work. Because we have told another our deepest secrets, we begin to understand ourselves better.” (page 34)

Uh, isn’t this just an accurate description of what the fall of mankind did to us? We fell, we rejected God as God, we are then filled with fears. And all of us have the same fears about ourselves. These things keep us sealed away from one another.

“Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words but to pour them all out, just as it is, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.” George Eliot. (Page 36)

Why can’t we, as Christians... Especially, we, as Christians...

“[Dr. Paul Tournier] attended a small meeting in a home where people were simply being themselves, sharing deeply of hurts, joys, sins, excesses. Although he had been a religious man before, Tournier says that in this climate he was spiritually transformed.” (Page 37)

This is interesting. He described an ideal house church.

Jesus and His “remarkable transparency.” John 15:15.

Transparency, but not “total honesty.”(Pages 38-9)

Added thought:

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
C.S. Lewis