Blogging The Friendship Factor. Chapter 6, part 2

Chapter 6. Neglect this and watch your friends flee. Part 2

The Take-Charge Manipulator.

Dr. McGinnis talks about 3 types of manipulators, but this is the only one that is common among guys. (The others being the "poor-me" and the "needed-to-be-needed" manipulators.)

The Test (scroll down to see part 1):

a. Do we usually end up going to the restaurant or movie I prefer? (no)

b. Do I enjoy correcting factual errors in other people's conversation? (I am a teacher; that is a feature, not a bug.)

c. Do I use humor to put down my friends? (Does the needle count?)

d. Do I have to know more about a topic than others to feel comfortable discussing it? (I am a teacher; that is a feature, not a bug.)

OK, 'b' involves enjoying correcting errors and 'd' is an occupational hazzard of being "the sage on the stage."

The key to these being manipulation is using these to "get the upper hand" in a relationship.

“c. Do I use humor to put down my friends?” Does this refer to the “needle”? From Hugh Hewitt’s blog (no link, alas):

“The FMH and I are off to the beach this morning --the first such outing of the summer. As always, fellow runner Bill has warned that many may try to toll me back into the ocean. This is the defining characteristic of male friendship --the needle. Joseph Epstein is working on a book about friendship, and it should include a chapter on the needle. In fact, all the chapters should be about the needle. When the needle is withdrawn, the friendship is in decline.”

Is the needle godly? Hugh Hewitt is a Christian, but more of a main-line one. Does needling fall under the coarse-jesting, good-natured-buffoonery category of Ephesians 5:4?

Ephesians 5:4 (NASB95). “...And there must be no filthiness and silly talk (‘morologia’), or coarse jesting (‘eutrapelia,’ also means “ready wit”), which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.”

Women who can handle the needle tend to be accepted by male groups. While we have a number of female teachers in our department, at ‘my’ end of the building, there are 7 men and one woman. Different groups of us hang out together at the intersection of two halls at different times. And she can give and take the needle with the best of them.

I know that there is a difference between the needle and the sort of insult humor that men use on one another. Whether that difference holds up in the eyes of the Lord, I do not know.

“Strange as it may seem, the person who always has to look superior may be the least secure.”

“Always having to look superior”/arrogance/”haughty spirit” are rooted in fear (insecurity). Fear is rooted in unbelief. The more I base my life in faith, faith in Jesus and His word, the more secure I will be. The more secure that I am in Jesus, the less I will need to look superior. The more secure that I am in Jesus, the less I will need to manipulate others.

Romans 12:3 (NASB95). “For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.”

Blogging The Friendship Factor. A Grumble

The Friendship Factor: A Grumble.

Dr. McGinnis discusses four different levels or types of friendship as they relate to a number of topics, more or less simultaneously:

1) your friendship with your spouse
2) deep, same-sex friendships
3) how to make and hold new friends
4) casual friendships, like those with co-workers and others.

He will move from one to the other type of friendship without warning. And while a lot of the advice is good, I would find it more helpful if took the time to draw attention to the specific types of friendships and how to handle each within the topic he is covering in each chapter.

I frequently lose the thread of each topic, and how to apply it, because he really never makes it clear which type of friendship that he is talking about. And what is appropriate for one type is not appropriate for another.

Our book discussion group consists of 10-12 middle-aged men, mostly married. We are doing this as men, looking to improve our friendships with other men. (OK, and with our wives.)

Maybe if I have time, I will attempt to re-organize some of his topics to specifically address male friendships.

Blogging The Friendship Factor. Chapter 6, part 1

Chapter 6. Neglect this and watch your friends flee

This chapter is on the very human (and fallen) tendency to try to control others.

“To see if you fit into this category, give yourself a test...” And the test follows.

Well, yes, but....

Psalm 139:23-24a (NASB95)
“Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me...”

Psalm 26:2. (NASB95)
“Examine me, O Lord, and try me;
Test my mind and my heart.”

1 Corinthians 4:3-4 (NASB95)
“But to me it is a very small thing that I may be examined by you, or by any human court; in fact, I do not even examine myself. For I am conscious of nothing against myself, yet I am not by this acquitted; but the one who examines me is the Lord.”

One of the dangers of “give yourself a test” is that some of us always pass with flying colors, no matter what. And others get bogged down in condemnation, no matter what.

Let God search, let God examine. Use the “test” to allow God to speak. Our flesh has a tendency to lurch off in one direction or another. Do not let it have a chance to get a word in. Go directly to God and ask Him what is up.

Now to the test:

a. Do we usually end up going to the restaurant or movie I prefer?
b. Do I enjoy correcting factual errors in other people's conversation?
c. Do I use humor to put down my friends?
d. Do I have to know more about a topic than others to feel comfortable discussing it?

You know what? If we are honest, we are all going to fail that test, or some variation of it.

Controlling people to get what we want is part of the basic operating system of fallen humanity. We need to treat it as a "bug, not a feature." We can become very skilled in controlling and manipulating others. But it is a "bug."

This failing is a direct result of rejecting God as Lord of our lives. If we do not give Him control of our lives, we have to be in control ourselves. And we will use the techniques of control to get what we want, rather than trust God for what we need.

Blogging The Friendship Factor. Reflections

Reflections so far.

Whenever I have done a deep study of a book of the Bible, taken a long or short retreat, heard a good teaching or sermon, or gotten a good, hefty chunk of sound counsel I have found that it takes me a while to digest what I have taken in.

The changes that happen are often permanent. However, they are often below the surface; subterranean, as it were. Thus, they are not easily separated out from the rest of my life for comment on or discussion later.

We have spent three weeks discussing five chapters. We have done a lot of fairly open discussion and have done some fairly obvious avoidance of discussion as well. While most of us have been in the same church for years, I think that most of us are uncomfortable with intimacy in a large (12 or so) group. (See the link below about introverts. The problem is not that introverts do not talk about deep things, but rather the emotional cost of being deeply open to a large group of people at the same time. We cannot handle the social aspects. Too draining.)

However, spending a lot of time talking about the issues involved in male friendships has started, for me, a lot of ideas running in different directions and changes all happening at once.

One of the central “knots” in my life has involved a sense of inferiority (not to be confused with humility) to my fellow Christians, especially to my fellow male Christians. Some of this is related to my upbringing and being an introvert. Some of this is related to sins I walked in both before and after becoming a Christian (and the subsequent counseling, correction, and repentance). Some of it is related to the vision (and, therefore, the structure) of the church I have walked in for 25 years. Some of this is related to how we guys judge one another.

I am a teacher, but because of the structure of the church, I have had little outlet for walking out my gifts. In a church of about 100 adults, we have had only three people who regularly do any teaching. This is changing and I am getting more of an outlet. However, I have spent years knowing that my gifts are unnecessary. While I recognize that God has a purpose for all these things, it is tough to be in a church that praises the kinds of activities that I am not good at, while not having an outlet for the sort of things that I am. (And, yes, I do know that pride is involved.)

So, I have spent the time pursuing Jesus in the context of loving my family. And that is no waste.

However, there has been, as a result of all of this, a small “knot” of despair in my life. We men are action orientated, even someone like me. We like to do stuff. We judge our self-worth, and the worth of others, based on what we do and what we accomplish. (And do not try to tell me that the people in our church do not. I know better. Experientially.) Judging myself this way is something I have been repenting of for a long time, gradually wearing it away, as I focus more and more on the simplicity of devotion to Jesus.

But we men are the way we are.

Using the book discussion, the Lord has been putting His finger on this knot.

Romans 12:3: “For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.”

In true humility I can know my own worth, with sound judgment (by grace, through faith). The Lord has been showing me how to let down my guard (insecurity breeds guardedness). How to look at myself clearly. How to be more open and free with my brothers, generally. And not just the 3-4 “old-timers.”

Actually, this has been going on in a general sort of way for about a year. There are aspects of this issue that have come to the fore, though, because of the book, and its discussion.

The book discussion has made me more aware of how I interact with people. However, I have also noticed some changes that I have not consciously worked on.

For example, I find myself looking people in the eyes more. This has always been difficult for me, for whatever reason (including "all of the above"). Looking someone in the eyes is a way of affirming them. I need to do it, even if I am uncomfortable with it. Doing it is a laying down of myself for others. But I am doing it more.

I also suddenly find myself calling people by their first names. This may seem odd. Someone might say, “What would you call people by in place of that?“

One reason for not using first names is that I do not easily recall names, even those of people I have known for 20 years. It is apparently an in-born thing, and many people share this problem. I often hesitate before saying a name and that is socially inappropriate. I have developed a number of mechanisms to do get around that. But now I am simply doing it. And being surprised by it.

I also find myself praising others more. This is especially noticeable with my students. Of course, I see a lot more of them, in situations where they can be praised, that I do of my brothers in the Lord. But still, it is not something that I am doing consciously, I am just doing it.

Blogging The Friendship Factor. Links

A couple of links related to friends.

The first is from Scott at the Powerline on Abraham Lincoln's ability to make friends: How to win friends.

The second is not about friends directly. It is from The Atlantic and is titled, Caring for your introvert.

"Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

"If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?

"If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands..."

I wonder how many of us in the Friendship Factor book discussion see themselves as introverts?

Blogging The Friendship Factor. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Love is something you do

1. Rule number four: Learn the gestures of love.

Show... small expressions of affection. These are gestures that bond people together. Little courtesies do count. The minuscule act of kindness has great powers.

2. The significance of rituals

Meals together, walks, working together, helping someone with a task, ‘favors done back and forth.;

3. The art of giving gifts

Thoughtfulness, discover people’s little preferences, exchanging gifts, a single rose.

4. When kindness becomes a habit.

Habit of looking for gestures that build kindliness, express appreciation. “It is insufficiently considered how much of human life passes in little incidents.” Samuel Johnson.

Blogging The Friendship Factor. Chapter 4

I spent a couple of hours reading over this chapter and thinking about. I have yet to pull anything out of it other than, "Well that makes sense."

Chapter 4: How to communicate warmth.

1. Rule number three: Dare to talk about your affections

2. The hard-to-get woman

3. How to generate an emotional field

“If you wish to be loved, love” Seneca

Those people who will let their hearts go and who will freely declare their admiration and affection are very hard to turn down.

When people care for us and show that appreciation with their eyes, their attention and their declarations of affection, we find a certain passion generated.

Speaking from personal experience, I will say that the last two are difficult to do if one has problems with guilt or condemnation. "How can anyone love me?" is a good way to defeat attempts to love others.

But this problem is at least partly due to self-centeredness. Loving others is getting out of the self-centeredness into something else. Hopefully, first, God-centeredness, and then allowing God to let us love others.

4. In defense of passion

5. Some traps in saying, “I love you.”

Don’t gush. Don’t pressure. Don’t be insensitive.

6. The tragedy of waiting till it is too late

“Speak ill of no man, but speak all the good you know of everybody.” Ben Franklin

Rob talked about the friendship between David and Jonathan during the first meeting. Jonathan and David were quite expressive about their friendship and stand as one biblical model of close friends.

David had many other friends, as well. He seemed to draw people to him, who were very loyal to him. Both the son and the grandson of his “enemy,” Saul, loved him. He had his “mighty men” who followed him when he had no power or authority (or even food, at times, to feed them).